31 Thoughts You Have When Your Period Is Late!
(And you’re not trying to get preggers, of course)
1. Hmm. I’m sure I should have come on by now?
2. It’s definitely been at least four episodes of Ex On The Beach since my last bleed.
3. Uh oh. I’m pregnant.
4. No, calm down. I can’t even remember when my last period was. Let’s check the calend…
6. Why am I not schooled in tracking my period by now? It’s actually pretty important that I know.
7. I miss it.
8. I miss the way it reassured me that I wasn’t with-child.
9. I miss the way it let me cry about nothing.
10. I even miss the period pains.
11. Actually, don’t be ridiculous.
12. Right, think woman, think.
13. Did I put a sly ‘p’ in my iPhone calendar to remind me when I’m due?
14. No. Ok, that’s it. I’m definitely pregnant.
15. How much are tests these days? Maybe I’ll just do a quick one to make sure…
16. TEN WHOLE POUNDS. Forget it. That’s more than a bottle of supermarket prosecco.
17. The fact I know that (and am outraged by that) means I’m probably not ready to have a baby yet.
18. Maybe I’m stressed and that’s why it hasn’t come.
19. Sh*t. Maybe I’m now so stressed at the thought of it not coming that it wants to come but it can’t.
20. Damn you body and mind synchronisation.
21. I’m here for you uterus lining, come to mamma.
22. OMG MAMMA.
23. Note to self: Must not make jokes, references or other about being pregnant. It might make it real.
24. Dear God, if you give me my period now I will literally never have sex again.
25. Right, sod it. I’m driving to the supermarket and buying a test even if it does mean spending my wine allowance.
26. Did I leave the seat warmers on? It feels very warm in this car…
27. Balls. Like it wasn’t bad enough that I am now pregnant, I have probably cost myself loads of money leaving the seat heaters on (I don’t know how but anyways…)
28. What is that wet patch? Have I also left the f’ing sunroof open!? In WINTER!
29. Hang on, I don’t have a sunroof…
30. *looks at seat*
31. Oh, joy to the world! Bottle of prosecco it is then…